OMG- What If I'm.....GAY?!
I didn't know I could be gay. I knew I could be bisexual, though it came with a stigma, but definitely not gay. It wasn't for girls like me, growing up.
The plan was to get a job, find a man, get married and settle down into domestic bliss. I was only born in the mid-80's, growing up during a time that was meant to be progressive and free, but in terms of sexuality, we still had a LOT to learn- and we still do.
At 35 years old, I separated from my then husband, and came out as lesbian- not the plot twist of life anyone was expecting, but is it really that weird? I had 2 teenaged sons and had always been happy enough in my marriage, but when my husband emotionally cheated on me with someone online, we broke down, and it gave me the time and space to think about what I wanted, and who I actually was. You see, at around 15 years old I realised i liked girls. I'd had boyfriends but never really got that 'butterflies' feeling, and I thought that was how it was for everyone. That other girls were only pretending to be boy-mad. It honestly hadn't occurred to me that I could NOT like boys, so I assumed I must like both. Aside from a couple of close friends, I never mentioned it to anyone. My boyfriend at the time would jokingly call me a closet lesbian, but I didn't think much of it. Perhaps he knew something I didnt?
When I met my now ex-husband, I fell in love and quickly became pregnant with my first son. I settled into 'normal' domestic life, and put all thoughts of my sexuality, to the back burner. I know it might seem strange that a lesbian could fall in love with a man, but I did. I loved him dearly, and ignored any intimacy issues, thinking that again, women only pretended to be really into it. Then I wondered if I was asexual- but a busy life as a mum of 2 meant I didn't have time to dwell on it. He knew I identified as bisexual, and it wasn't an issue, but when he ended our relationship, I thought to the future and realised there's no way I could be with a man again. I only wanted to date women. I told him, and though he seemed initially supportive, he forced me to come out straight away, before I was ready, to cover his own extra-marital activities.
Coming out was terrifying. I wasn't yet even used to the fact that my marriage was over, and I definitely wasn't ready to deal with everyone's shock and questions, but I didn't have a choice. I was lucky that most people close to me were accepting and supportive, and the ones that weren't, mostly kept their thoughts to themselves. However, of course, they had SO many questions- how? When? Had I been lying the whole time? The answer is No. Except maybe to myself?
Since coming out, I realised how staggeringly common it was for people to come out later in life- especially women, but why? The more I spoke to others, the more I realised it comes largely down to heteronormativity- or the societal assumption that people are straight, and girls and women in particular, are just routinely expected to shack up with a dude, have babies and be content with their lot. This fixed mould doesn't allow us to explore our feelings or our options. We unknowingly just stumble into a die-cut, pre-set life, so when, amidst the chaos of every day life, we begin to realise feelings we've not had a chance to process, that's when we start to ask questions of ourselves.
Maybe if girls (and boys, and theys, for that matter) weren't thrust into a prescriptive lifestyle before they even know themselves, and were given the option to construct a life that actually suits them, the years of turmoil, self-hatred and confusion wouldn't exist.
As a society, we need to let it be known that being gay really isn't a deviation from the 'norm'. Anybody from any class, background, gender, and nationality can belong to the LGBTQ+ community- and representation matters. I still remember the first lesbian kiss televised in the UK on Brookside when I was 9, and the media circus of disgust that resulted. Now 30 years on, things are much better than they were but we still have so much work to do. Seeing people that we identify with on tv, radio, film, books, in all walks of life, just doing normal every day things is pivitol to end the thought of 'being gay isn't for people like me'.
It's all too common to hear people asking little girls 'oooh, is that your boyfriend?' and talking about when they're all grown up and married to a lovely hard working man. Imagine the difference just reframing or re-phrasing that would make to somebody questioning their sexuality. It tells them that whatever path they choose, it's accepted and supported. Let's change the narrative, and not make other young people feel like they're somehow wrong. Get used to the fact that YOUR own child may be gay, that your best friend, neighbour, aunt, or even parent may not be straight, and realise that it doesn't change who they are, and that actually, being gay is probably the least interesting thing about them.
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