Crashing Into A Better Life

It was after my own car accident that I started yet another existential crisis, asking the Gods ‘why am I here?’ I mean, I’ve had plenty of Dark Nights Of The Soul in my time, but after that smash, why wasn’t I dead? If you’d seen the state of my car, you’d wonder how I made it out alive too. Considering I was already a disabled woman in my 30’s, unable to work, I wondered why I was saved, out of all the amazing, useful people on the planet. It had to be for something, some higher purpose.

Now, I’ve never been what you’d call religious. I’m a Pagan witch, and I worship nature and the spirits I feel all around me, but not a 'one true God' as such, but I knew there had to be more to it than pure fluke that saved me that night. The thought tortured me, day and night and I felt so guilty for ‘wasting’ my life doing nothing when I felt I should be living it to the fullest, to honour those that hadn’t made it, but you know what? That’s bollocks.

I’m still sure there was a reason I was saved that night, I believe I do have purpose and a job to do here on this earthly plain, but I also know that I’m allowed to sit and do nothing. To while away the hours doing sweet F-A, to waste a sunny day in bed- because it is MY life. A gift it may be, but none the less, it is mine to do with what I please. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of believing you have to be constantly on the go, being productive, serving a purpose, but that shit is EXHAUSTING!! However- purpose and productivity ARE important, and without at least SOME sort of semblance of them, life feels pretty meaningless and bland. But be real with your expectations.

Long before my own car accident, I packed up as a life-coach because life was just too much. Disabilities, chronic illnesses, moving up the country, lack of funds to invest into business, crippling fatigue, kids, pets- I just didn't have the time or inclination, even though I loved it. After the initial dust of the crash had settled, it got me thinking about purpose again, and that of course, for me, always comes back to coaching. I brainstormed, came up with some great ideas, trained a bit more, read books, and of course, as usual, the pain, fatigue, and time constraints all put paid to it. Again, I went back to going through the motions of 'normal' life. Aside from the PTSD, I was happy enough with my lot. Then the familiar twitches of dissatisfaction crept in and started gnawing away at me. I've been told before that I'm 'lucky' to not 'have' to work, and in some ways I am. But I LONG to work, to be useful, to engage with other people and make a difference and to be able to pay my bills! I've since been putting more consideration into how I can make this work. And then BAM- Local car fatality.

So close to home, so close to my own accident, on a road I use several times a day. A man going about his normal business, gone. It's all just so unfair and upsetting, and now as I see the flowers, balloons, and messages of love at the scene of his death, it's got me thinking again. What if I don't have to be ALL coach, or ALL home maker, or ALL disabled? What If I could merge them?

Historically, I've been known to go charging into things head-first, putting my all into them- and I like that about myself, but in this case, it's unfeasible. I know in my heart of hearts that I can't be the stereotypical 'boss babe', with my diary jam-packed with appointments, raking in the dollar. My time and my resources are limited, but I still REALLY want to help people. So, here we are. The beginning of the re-run. Instead of aiming high, I'm not. Sounds mad in terms of business, but I know I'm not going to be up for entrepreneur of the year awards, I know I’m not going to be emailing clients from a palm-tree shaded sun lounger in the Bahamas, but what I can do is scrap the world's idea of what 'success' is, and what a 'good' business woman looks like. I can be all of the things I want to be, on a dialled back basis. A small client base, charging as little as I can (as I said, I genuinely love what I do and want to actually help, not put a looming pay wall in the way), and removing the pressure to constantly churn out social media content, to market, to advertise, to be there ALL. THE. TIME.

So yes, I am a life coach. I love what I do. I'm damned good at it. I'm also all the other parts of me, but what you won't find me doing is running myself to the ground. I'm on this planet for a reason, but it isn't to make myself miserable and burned out by trying to be what I think I 'should' be.

I suppose the moral of this story, is that sometimes it takes a big life-altering moment to make you really stop and think about what matters the most to you, but in saying that, stressing about not being enough, or not doing enough, or not pushing enough is not the way to go. Life is yours, you're not competing with anyone, coz none of us get out alive anyway. If you need to rest, rest. If you want to climb Everest, go get it! But either way, love what you do, and do what you love. Your work is not what makes you amazing. Simply being alive at this very moment is what makes you amazing. How you treat other people, the thoughts in your head and the love in your heart make you special, and worthy of life.  we don't know how much time we have left, and wouldn't it be a shame if you spent it all worrying about keeping up with the Jones's?